Avalanche of Useful Information

If you are ever caught inside a pile of snow - say, from an avalanche - you should spit.  You've got to spit out, not just drool back onto your face.  See where gravity takes the spit.  If the spit comes back and lands on your face, then you are facing up.  If you could make one of those long spit strings, that might be the best, like a spit pendulum, unless you are on your back.  In an avalanche, you never know where you really are, not until you spit.  Sort of like life, no?

No.  Not really like life.  Spitting usually doesn't solve very much, not unless you're a llama or an alpaca.  Did you know that llamas and alpacas really have no other defenses besides spitting?  If they kick you, it doesn't even hurt very badly because their feet are very padded.  This guy told me about it.  He could be wrong, but I choose to believe him.  He seemed well informed.  He said they can't really bite, either, but that the smell of llama spit stays with you for days.

Did you know that alpaca herders used to have to have chaperones, to prevent them from having sex with the alpacas?

Do you think that guy who told me about the llamas knows all about their defenses because he tried to have sex with them?

I choose to believe that the guy did not try to have sex with the llamas.  Those llamas are not very attractive.  That didn't stop me, though.  I only kissed, though.

The llamas rejected my offer of fresh tangarines.  They guy told me that horses do not eat citrus.  Could the same be true for llamas, or was it just choosy?

My blog's best friend, Wikipedia, tells me that llamas are camelids, and that, before the Spanish invasion of the Americas, they were they only domesticated ungulates.

Here's the link:  llamalove

Llama spit contains stomach acid, and can hit so hard it can leave a bruise.

If you were a llama in an avalanche - would you spit and risk having your spit fall back in your face, burning your eyes with your own stomach acid?  How often do llamas wind up in avalanches?  It might happen more with Alpacas, since they can better tolerate higher altitudes.  I think.

If you, blog readers, would like to come to the Westside Writing Workshop Holidaze Reading, it is tonight, just a bit past 7pm, at Cafe Mimosa, on Topanga Canyon Blvd., in Topanga.  I will be reading part of my newest story.  Several other writers will also be reading, including [RR] (who is organizing the event).  We're all gonna do, like, five minutes each.  There will be wines and cheeses, for those who enjoy drinking wine and eating cheese.

Do I need to make a separate website to post such reading events, so that zoo bukkake and hentai egg-laying aficionados won't come to the readings and try to murder me?  Really though, I don't think I have anything to fear from lovers of zoo bukkake or hentai involving egg-laying girls, so long as I don't bring the fish tank.

I hope I haven't looped RR into the ring of porn.  I'll remove her name post-Holidaze Reading.

One of the snails died.  Luckily, it was my least favorite one.  It was also the least attractive.  Is that why I liked it the least?

Maybe.  It was also the newest, and the other snails (aside from the best snail ever) are baby snails, which makes them much cuter.  This dead snail never had much of a personality.  I bought it so my favorite snail would have someone to have sex with.

They never had sex.

I'm doing a reading next Sunday in Topanga.  If you would like to come and see me read five minutes of my newest story, please come.  I promise there won't be any dead and/or unattractive snails present.  Or, if there are, they will not be with me.

Sorry those who were waiting with, how you say...bated breath - the goldfish aren't pregnant.  I was projecting, as usual.  I'm not pregnant either, though, nor did I think I was, so I'm not sure what I was projecting onto them.

I gave away my plant today.  I haven't had any new bites yet, since I moved the plant from my bedroom last night.  Wanna see a picture of yesterday's bites?  Gosh, have I ever posted pictures of my symptoms before?  I am not sure if I have.  Brain, yes, and the people living inside it, but symptoms?  This might be a first.

I sure hope I don't really have formication, which is not to be confused with fornication.  Formication, that special feeling of bugs crawling and biting in/on you, comes from formica, the latin word for ant.  Cute, huh?

Once, I went to the hospital because of formication.  I brought a ziplock baggie of my maybe fleas, but they weren't fleas.  Hey - that's a symptom right there, something called "matchbox sign."  Check it out - bugsbugseverywhereandnotadropto...  Thanks, Wikipedia!  You're the awesomist!

Fornication is or was a crime, among other things.  It involves sex parts.  wikipediaxxx

I must get to bed, as I have an appointment at the orthospaceship early tomorrow morning.  Would you like to enter the orthospaceship?  I might be able to point you in the right direction:  thefuture

To close, I'd like to show you my new betta.  His name is twofish.

The end.

ps - I have found no bedbugs.  I have not collected any specimens for safekeeping in a matchbox or ziplock baggie.

pps - regarding those maybe fleas from long ago, the ones that came to the ER with me, plastered in scotch tape and sealed in a ziplock baggie, I eventually decided that they must have been mascara flakes.

ppps - nurses don't like you so much anymore once they realize that the crazy is in your head and not crawling on your body.

The End For Real.

1) I made a fake me. Thanks, Yahoo!

2) I saw a cockroach in my kitchen.

3) I murdered a cockroach in my kitchen.

4) I've had a throat virus.

5) I'm in the process of murdering a throat virus.

6) There is something that is with me these days and nights, something that bites me at least twice every 24 hours. It started when I was on a trip up north. Oh.

7) I took a trip up north.

8) It's possible some biter followed me back home in my luggage.

6)b. Something is biting me, and I'm not sure what it is. I'm thinking it's some sort of vampire spider, or maybe a colony of mites living in the plant above my bed.

6)c. I'm quite sure that the cockroach is not biting me, since I watched him die. Even if he does have - sorry - had, even if he did have a bunch of cockroach friends (which I'm sure he did), I think they've got better things to do than follow me around, biting me.

9) I've begun researching bedbugs. If there are bedbugs, my bedroom might smell like fresh red raspberries. My bedroom does not smell like fresh, red raspberries, not that I can tell, although I could be used to the smell by now.

9)a. A bedbug will crawl up to 100 feet to feed, if it has to.

9)b. Bedbugs are v. ugly.

9)c. Bedbug bites are often found in orderly rows, sometimes in a row of three bites called "Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner."

9)d. Bedbugs like to bite human arms and shoulders. 

10) I am much-bitten on my arms and shoulders.

11) I must go look for bedbug droppings.  Goodbye, world.

Avalanche of Useful Information

If you are ever caught inside a pile of snow - say, from an avalanche - you should spit.  You've got to spit out, not just drool back onto your face.  See where gravity takes the spit.  If the spit comes back and lands on your face, then you are facing up.  If you could make one of those long spit strings, that might be the best, like a spit pendulum, unless you are on your back.  In an avalanche, you never know where you really are, not until you spit.  Sort of like life, no?

No.  Not really like life.  Spitting usually doesn't solve very much, not unless you're a llama or an alpaca.  Did you know that llamas and alpacas really have no other defenses besides spitting?  If they kick you, it doesn't even hurt very badly because their feet are very padded.  This guy told me about it.  He could be wrong, but I choose to believe him.  He seemed well informed.  He said they can't really bite, either, but that the smell of llama spit stays with you for days.

Did you know that alpaca herders used to have to have chaperones, to prevent them from having sex with the alpacas?

Do you think that guy who told me about the llamas knows all about their defenses because he tried to have sex with them?

I choose to believe that the guy did not try to have sex with the llamas.  Those llamas are not very attractive.  That didn't stop me, though.  I only kissed, though.

The llamas rejected my offer of fresh tangarines.  They guy told me that horses do not eat citrus.  Could the same be true for llamas, or was it just choosy?

My blog's best friend, Wikipedia, tells me that llamas are camelids, and that, before the Spanish invasion of the Americas, they were they only domesticated ungulates.

Here's the link:  llamalove

Llama spit contains stomach acid, and can hit so hard it can leave a bruise.

If you were a llama in an avalanche - would you spit and risk having your spit fall back in your face, burning your eyes with your own stomach acid?  How often do llamas wind up in avalanches?  It might happen more with Alpacas, since they can better tolerate higher altitudes.  I think.

Topanga Reading

If you, blog readers, would like to come to the Westside Writing Workshop Holidaze Reading, it is tonight, just a bit past 7pm, at Cafe Mimosa, on Topanga Canyon Blvd., in Topanga.  I will be reading part of my newest story.  Several other writers will also be reading, including [RR] (who is organizing the event).  We're all gonna do, like, five minutes each.  There will be wines and cheeses, for those who enjoy drinking wine and eating cheese.

Do I need to make a separate website to post such reading events, so that zoo bukkake and hentai egg-laying aficionados won't come to the readings and try to murder me?  Really though, I don't think I have anything to fear from lovers of zoo bukkake or hentai involving egg-laying girls, so long as I don't bring the fish tank.

I hope I haven't looped RR into the ring of porn.  I'll remove her name post-Holidaze Reading.

minusone

One of the snails died.  Luckily, it was my least favorite one.  It was also the least attractive.  Is that why I liked it the least?

Maybe.  It was also the newest, and the other snails (aside from the best snail ever) are baby snails, which makes them much cuter.  This dead snail never had much of a personality.  I bought it so my favorite snail would have someone to have sex with.

They never had sex.

I'm doing a reading next Sunday in Topanga.  If you would like to come and see me read five minutes of my newest story, please come.  I promise there won't be any dead and/or unattractive snails present.  Or, if there are, they will not be with me.

delusional parasitosis

Sorry those who were waiting with, how you say...bated breath - the goldfish aren't pregnant.  I was projecting, as usual.  I'm not pregnant either, though, nor did I think I was, so I'm not sure what I was projecting onto them.

I gave away my plant today.  I haven't had any new bites yet, since I moved the plant from my bedroom last night.  Wanna see a picture of yesterday's bites?  Gosh, have I ever posted pictures of my symptoms before?  I am not sure if I have.  Brain, yes, and the people living inside it, but symptoms?  This might be a first.

I sure hope I don't really have formication, which is not to be confused with fornication.  Formication, that special feeling of bugs crawling and biting in/on you, comes from formica, the latin word for ant.  Cute, huh?

Once, I went to the hospital because of formication.  I brought a ziplock baggie of my maybe fleas, but they weren't fleas.  Hey - that's a symptom right there, something called "matchbox sign."  Check it out - bugsbugseverywhereandnotadropto...  Thanks, Wikipedia!  You're the awesomist!

Fornication is or was a crime, among other things.  It involves sex parts.  wikipediaxxx

I must get to bed, as I have an appointment at the orthospaceship early tomorrow morning.  Would you like to enter the orthospaceship?  I might be able to point you in the right direction:  thefuture

To close, I'd like to show you my new betta.  His name is twofish.

The end.

ps - I have found no bedbugs.  I have not collected any specimens for safekeeping in a matchbox or ziplock baggie.

pps - regarding those maybe fleas from long ago, the ones that came to the ER with me, plastered in scotch tape and sealed in a ziplock baggie, I eventually decided that they must have been mascara flakes.

ppps - nurses don't like you so much anymore once they realize that the crazy is in your head and not crawling on your body.

The End For Real.

freshredraspberries

1) I made a fake me. Thanks, Yahoo!

2) I saw a cockroach in my kitchen.

3) I murdered a cockroach in my kitchen.

4) I've had a throat virus.

5) I'm in the process of murdering a throat virus.

6) There is something that is with me these days and nights, something that bites me at least twice every 24 hours. It started when I was on a trip up north. Oh.

7) I took a trip up north.

8) It's possible some biter followed me back home in my luggage.

6)b. Something is biting me, and I'm not sure what it is. I'm thinking it's some sort of vampire spider, or maybe a colony of mites living in the plant above my bed.

6)c. I'm quite sure that the cockroach is not biting me, since I watched him die. Even if he does have - sorry - had, even if he did have a bunch of cockroach friends (which I'm sure he did), I think they've got better things to do than follow me around, biting me.

9) I've begun researching bedbugs. If there are bedbugs, my bedroom might smell like fresh red raspberries. My bedroom does not smell like fresh, red raspberries, not that I can tell, although I could be used to the smell by now.

9)a. A bedbug will crawl up to 100 feet to feed, if it has to.

9)b. Bedbugs are v. ugly.

9)c. Bedbug bites are often found in orderly rows, sometimes in a row of three bites called "Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner."

9)d. Bedbugs like to bite human arms and shoulders. 

10) I am much-bitten on my arms and shoulders.

11) I must go look for bedbug droppings.  Goodbye, world.