January 10, 2006
The Vampire of the Sea
I have a little lamprey excitement of my own. Wanna see?
This lamprey was bottled in my own hometown-area. It looks all old-timey, no? Handwritten on the top of the jar was some business about the original seal being intact. I wonder what would happen if someone were to break the seal. Perhaps that someone would make a face like the fish on Wikipedia is making.
Anyway, it's not only lampreys that I'm spending time with these days. I'm also hanging out with human and baboon skeletons. 
I think that baboon skeleton has a thing for me. Or, vice versa.
There were no lamprey skeletons. If you've read the Wikipedia lamprey site, you'd probably know the reason why - lampreys have only cartilage. No bones.
My teacher said that there have been claims of lamprey attachment to human limbs, of lamprey bites, lamprey attacks, claims made by swimmers of the Great Lakes. Can you imagine? Please, try to imagine. For me? I'll give you some additional images, to help you along: 
That little ribcagey thing is the lamprey's cartilaginous pericardial brachial basket.
Have you got a brachial basket? Tunicates (sub-phylum urochordata) also have brachial baskets, which they use to strain yummy particles through a layer of mucous, and into their esophagus. Lampreys use them for this, and also for breathing. I think.
Lampreys have one nostril and a sub-pharyngeal gland, precursor to our own thyroid gland. I have a vested interest in thyroids these days. Perhaps I'll tell you about it sometime soon.
The lamprey's teeth are made of keratin. It has a tongue all covered with teeth. This website told me so: eastcoastlamprey. This website calls lampreys "the vampires of the sea," since they feed on fish blood.
I must not be a vampire of the sea, as I don't feed on fish blood.
There is an animal even more exciting than the lamprey - the hagfish. Sadly, there were no hagfish specimens available for me to photograph. Hagfishes are awesome because they tie themselves into knots on purpose. They like to dig into dead whales at the bottom of the ocean, and they excrete an extreme amount of very thick mucous when you upset them.
Perhaps I am a hagfish of the land, then, since I can excrete quite a bit of mucous when I am terribly upset. I cannot tie myself into knots, though, unless we're speaking metaphorically.
Did I just gross you out, with that mucous business? You might as well get used to it - with all of my new classes, there's bound to be much more excitingly disgusting facts and images to come! Hooray for life!
January 08, 2006
maybe try website now?
Did you know that there is an untapped yurt porno market? Googlers google yurt porno every day. If you are looking for a new vocation, pornography of yurts might be a good...arena.
Here is a picture with me and Jinglebunny. There is a video on my friendster profile, if this picture does not satiate your Jinglebunny jones.
There is also a video of an angry sheep.
There is also a video of fried zucchini, doing it.
Way past bedtime - hope you enjoy these things I have seen.
January 02, 2006
The Symptoms - for all the Maybe Pregnant Ladies
After seeing yet another googler led to my site with the search "What are the symptoms of being pregnant?," I thought I should address the issue. Do you know what the symptoms of being pregnant are? Let's explore:
First of all, it depends on how pregnant you are. I feel that there is such a thing as being "a little bit pregnant," where n = how pregnant you are, and n is directly proportional to q, where q = the stage of development of the...thingie. I call it thingie, because, depending on q, it can have many different names: zygote, blastocyst, embryo, fetus, or even "the baby." If you've got a zygote that's in the morula stage of development, then you're a just a little bit pregnant.
That whole n/q thing being said, the symptoms of being pregnant include:
- Having a zygote, embryo, or fetus inside of you. There may be exceptions to this rule. I distinctly recall Weekly World News articles I read as a child, articles reporting "mummified fetuses" found in 60+ year old women. Should they be considered just a little bit pregnant too?
Okay - let's do this - I am going to say you are only pregnant if your thingie is alive. This should clear up a bunch of crazy stuff.
Anyway:
- Many ladies tell me that they "just knew" the instant their egg was fertilized. I'm not going to totally dismiss their experiences, since nobody seems to know everything about what happens during conception. Maybe ladies can feel something. Maybe there is a chemical message sent to the brain - a sort of hooray. Now, if you "just know" and you have a zygote inside of you, and it's a live one, you're pregnant.
It seems the fertilized egg takes up to a week to get to the uterus. Then, it spends a few days implanting, getting all cozy, and digging in. Sometimes, you might feel a little pinch or cramping during implantation. Sometimes, you bleed.
- Elevated HCG levels (human chrorionic gonadotropin) can be found in the urine within several days of fertilization. That's what those quickie early pregnancy tests like to look for.
- The Merck Manual (which I love to pieces) says this: "Positive proof of pregnancy is delivery of a fetus." (p. 2017 of the 17th edition) I feel that this is the best evidence of being pregnant.
- Merck goes on to say, "Traditionally, three other signs have been accepted as positive: fetal heart sounds heard by a physician [18-20 weeks] or via a Doppler ultrasound instrument [as early as 8-10 weeks]; fetal movements felt or heard by the examining physician; and identification of a fetal skeleton on x-ray, usually after 16 wk. Ultrasound detection of an intrauterine sac and fetal cardiac motion also constitutes positive proof. A cavity compatible with pregnancy can be detected within the uterus at about 5-6 wk (4 wk after ovulation) with ultrasonography. Fetal cardiac motion may first be observed at about 5-6 wk with real-time ultrasound scanning..." (Merck p. 2017)
- Fatigue can start within the first week of conception. I know some girls who experienced this.
- Breast tenderness/pain, frequent urination, headaches can also show up very early on, as a result of all of the hormonal changes.
- Darkening and/or enlarged areolas.
- It looks like lots of ladies kept feeling like they were about to get their period in the first month of pregnancy. That must be confusing.
- Missed period. Sometimes, women continue to get their period or spot, even though they're pregnant.
- Aversion to certain foods. There's a theory out there that this symptom, possibly along with morning sickness, has evolved so that pregnant ladies won't eat anything potentially harmful for the fetus/mother, like fish all loaded up with bacteria. Some suggest that it's better for the mother to be eating barely anything than to come down with food poisoning.
- Food cravings. Sometimes, pregnant ladies get pica. I promise I'll blog about pica soon but, for those of you who do not know pica, pica compels people eat weird things, like dirt and clay.
Many of these early pregnancy symptoms could also be symptoms of other things, like a tumor or pms. Or, they could be symptoms of not really anything. You know - the usual. That thing my doctor thinks I have.
Of course, if you have a thingie inside of you, or Mercky proof of a thingie inside of you (like a fetal skeleton) and it's alive, then you're pregnant. And, if you deliver a fetus, then you were pregnant.
Symptoms of being more than just a little bit pregnant (i.e., when your n is greatly increased), should be quite obvious, unless you're in major denial-land or have other, major health issues. While I'm not really in a position to be going on about the symptoms of being just a little bit pregnant, I'm definitely not in a position to talk about the symptoms of being very pregnant. I am no doctor - I just like to read medical type books for kicks. And, I don't feel like typing up a big disclaimer paragraph, like I did with the whole peeing on porcupines post. If you think there's a chance you're, like, five months pregnant, but you're not sure, may I suggest a trip to the doctor? You don't want to be gracing the pages of the Weekly World News at age sixty-plus, with photos of your mummified fetus, do you? I also feel quite certain that, if you are pregnant and don't do anything about it until baby-comes-out-time, people will talk about you behind your back, especially if your baby comes out into the toilet.
I suggest seeking medical advice if you think you're just a little bit pregnant. There's not much they can help you with, I don't think, if you're only a week or two pregnant. Still, if it concerns you, go ahead. They can give you that pee test, I bet. Wouldn't you like a pee test?
Gosh. Maybe I should get a job. Maybe I should do some cleaning, instead of typing about pregnant ladies.
I hereby diagnose myself as exhibiting a startling degree of avoidant behavior, and prescribe myself no more internet for the next two hours. After I check my e-mail.
January 01, 2006
Wildebeest is the New Gnu
Did you know that, according to google, this blog is now the #1 source to find information regarding hermaphrodite alpacas?
It is. Among other things.
These days, lots of people are googling "simpsons sex." For many weeks now, I thought that people all over the world wanted to see Homer having sexxx. Finally, it occurred to me that there is another set of Simpsons, and I experienced a mixture of relief, loss, and disappointment.
Over the past week I have seen a resurgence of egg-laying hentai seekers.
People never get tired of worldsex or urolagnia.
...
The Yak-Gnu Knot
Did you know that a wildebeest is the same thing as a gnu? I did not know this. Nobody ever told me. I am quite upset, thinking of all the hours spent watching wildebeests on the Discovery Channel, not knowing they were gnus, thinking that gnus were off somewhere in...yurt-land.
When I think of a "gnu," I think of:
a) The Great Space Coaster theme song, and an orange faux-fur gorilla/baboon hybrid;
b) an illustration of a ball of yarn with two knitting needles stuck inside.
I can't really do much about a). Thankfully, b) solves my "gnus in yurtland" mystery.
Y is for yarn. Y is not for gnu, but Y is for yak. Yaks live in yurt-land. My whole life long, my brain has been mistakenly routing all "gnu" information (that is, all gnu information which was not immediately devoured by The Great Space Coaster theme song) into my "yak" folder. Now, I must begin the painstaking process of wiring all "gnu" strands into my "wildebeest" folder.
When I was learning the alphabet, W was for walrus, or, sometimes, W was for wagon. There was never any talk of wildebeests. There was never any talk of yurts.
Has this gnu/yak crossover happened to anyone else? If so, I have an idea - we can learn to differentiate yaks and gnus by practicing the following mantra:
Y is for yak. Y is for yurt.
...
Wildebeests and Yurts : Africa and Sedona
The internet says that, nowadays, yurts are most likely to be found in places like Topanga or Sedona. The internet says that New Agey people simply adore a good yurt.
I don't know if there are any yaks in Topanga, but there are some wildebeests near Sedona. They live in "Out of Africa." You can go and see them in their wild animal park. You should go and see them. You should make some paintings of them, being sure to include each beest's aura or chi. Then, you should go and sell your paintings in Sedona. I bet you will make a bundle.
Perhaps that is what I will do for 2006. It would sure beat what I did for 2005.
...
Yurtling abcs:
Hippies have an alphabet too, you know. nowIknow
If Y is for yak gave me troubles, one can only imagine what will happen with the wiring of children raised on E is for echinacea, J is for Mother Jones, and X is for xylem. In this alphabet-world, K is for Martin Luther King. I see great troubles ahead for these little yurtlings and their Js and Ks. If one can come up with X is for xylem, certainly one can find an ideologically liberal word that begins with the letters J or K. Yes?
Poor little composters. They don't stand a chance.