Symptoms of
Hypergraphia, sometimes triggered by
guilt, panic, or procrastination.
The avoidance of bedtime.
Symptoms of a fish tank.
Inadvertently catering to zoophiles
everywhere.
H5N1 and all that jazz.
June 2006 | Main | August 2006
July 31, 2006
Sex Ed
Can you believe that it is not sucking cocks that is bringing more unfamily friendly googles in? Rather, it is the post below cock sucking where I go on about the difference between boy babies and girl babies. I told you it was barbaric.
Some of the googles are on the up and up, wanting to know how to recognize specific anatomical details of their unborn child's genitalia. I am sorry, googlers. I am not skilled in the ways of the ultrasound, although I am very good at having my ultrasound picture taken.
If anyone knows of a textbook where I can learn how to decipher such scans, please forward me the ISBN.
I need to learn to be bossier. Forward me the ISBN.
Better.
130 suspected H5N1s in Thailand. These tests sure are taking a whole long time.
July 29, 2006
Close Contact
Here is a bit from the following article:
"...20% of patients, mostly adults, failed to disclose such information about having close contact with fowl carcasses."
113 is crazy! Perhaps it's time to join Costco/Sam's Club. But, these people probably don't have H5N1. I mean, maybe Thailand is just being extra careful. Even so, if, by chance, they did, it appears one of the maybe-H5N1ers is a hospital worker.
It's probably nothing. It's usually nothing. It's almost always nothing. In case it's not nothing, I thought you should know. What I mean to say is, I thought you should know about those people and their secret relations with the carcasses of fowl, like the hospital worker, who is an active participant in the cock fighting scene. Just this week I learned that the handlers of fighting cocks suck blood and saliva out of the beaks of their cocks during a match, to help them breathe better and keep fighting. Sick-o, huh?
Gosh, sucking cocks is no way to improve our blog's family-friendly rating.
Please, everyone, for the good of humanity, in the face of a possible panflu - please stop sucking cocks, especially bloody, snotty ones. Do it for the families, too.
Thank you.
ps - do chickens have snot? Let me go find out...
yes. They do.
July 20, 2006
"What are the symptoms that my baby is a girl?"
I'd like to answer this googled question as a post, so that everyone can see. I think it's important information.
It's hard to explain the difference between boy babies and girl babies without getting a bit...graphic. And, the best ways to tell aren't really symptoms. More like observable characteristics.
Take a look at your baby's genetic material (somatic cells), preferably with the help of a karotype. Check out the pair of chromosomes at position 23, referred to as the "sex chromosome(s)." If both chromosomes are x chromosomes, then congratulations! You have a girl baby! If, however, the sex chromosome pair consists of an x and a stubby piece of chromosome right next to it (that would be the y chromosome), then, well, you have a boy baby.
Sometimes babies will have extras. They can be XXY, XYY, X, and even XXX (hot!).
Investigating the gonads of your child will also, usually, point you in the right direction. If testes are present, there's a good chance you're dealing with a boy baby. If not, and you've got an ultrasound machine available, you can check to see whether the baby has ovaries. Checking for ovaries is not a bad idea, since, even without obvious testes, you could be dealing with a boy with undescended testes, or with some sort of hermaphrodite baby.
Please do keep in mind that, should your baby be born with testes and you've determined him to be a boy, but at a later point the testes are no longer visible, he has not transformed into a girl baby. His testes have just reascended.
Hermaphrodite (or intersexual) babies have sexual characteristics/organs of both boy and girl babies. You'll want to speak with your doctor if you think your baby might be intersexual. You may also want to speak with a lawyer if your doctor missed this upon initial examination.
There are a few other helpful clues which can help you determine the sex of your baby. If your baby contains a penis and the associated bits, good chance your baby is an xy. If your baby has, well, these are the graphic parts...maybe you'd be better off just getting that karotype. If you're able to stomach it, look for either a penis and scrotum; or labia, vagina, clitoris, etc. I know, I know - it's horrible. Can you believe that this is the way most people check the sex of their baby! Absurd!
I hope this has answered your question. If you find all of the above-listed options to be unacceptable, you can always wait until your baby hits puberty, and observe what sorts of things start happening. That's when it all gets really interesting. By then, your baby will definitely be experiencing some symptoms.
o yeah - ps - if your baby is, like, totally into flowers and glitter jelly shoes and Barbies and/or Bratz, she's, like, so way a baby girl. Maybe hold these items up to the baby, and see how it reacts.
July 19, 2006
catpuke
If cats went to work, would they call in sick if they threw up?
Just wondering. I momentarily considered whether I should call in sick to work while cleaning up cat puke this morning. I mean, just for a second, since I don't have any children.
I decided that, if he had been on his way to work, he should have been able to call off, or at least come in for a half-day.
I bet cats, and even dogs, would have that as part of their employee benefits package.
Why do cats and dogs throw up so much more often than people? I realize that cats have hairballs, but what about dogs? Pet mice don't spend their mornings puking. Pet birds puke into mirrors, but that's only because they're sharing their stomach contents with the bird in the mirror. It's on purpose.
I will do my best to get to the bottom of this cat/dog puke issue.
Update: The best, so far, that I've been able to come up with from the vast expanse of information on the www is that they throw up because they eat foreign objects, like grass and hair and rocks and dirt. More than people do, anyway.
It's strange it should come 'round to eating hair, since bezoars have totally been on my mind these past few days. Ah, bezoars...do you remember the days of blogging about bezoars? If not, you can click here:
please scroll down to "matter"
O my - did I never explain bezoars? Bezoars are wonderful gems that you can grow in your own stomach/intestines, if you eat, say, wads of hair.
Once again, I must refer you to my good friend, wikipedia. Before I do, I will quote wikipedia:
"
Types of bezoars
- A trichobezoar is a bezoar formed from hair - an extreme form of hairball. Humans who frequently consume hair sometimes require them to be removed.
- Phytobezoars are composed of nondigestible food material by humans (e.g., cellulose) and is frequently reported in patients with impaired digestion and decreased gastric motility.
- Pharmacobezoars (or medication bezoars) are mostly tablets or semi-liquid masses of drugs."
Here's the link: Wikipedia on Bezoars
Pharmacobezoars sound most exciting! I feel that I might have a pharmacobezoar made out of old-school Effexor and Wellbutrin XL. Too bad I don't have any upcoming gutoscopies.
Maybe Billy Idol is in there too.
That's an old blog joke. Please see my pineal gland at My pineal gland! Scroll to "The Man in my Brain." Thank you.
July 18, 2006
Ignore this. Thank you.
July 17, 2006
O Indonesia
I will have to create a new category called "Indonesia." I suppose "Disasters" will do for the time being.
Yesterday - another H5N1 death confirmed, so that Indonesia is now tied with Vietnam, and will shortly take the lead as The Country Which Kills the Most People via H5N1. Did I do those capital letters right?
Second Indonesia disaster d'jour - another tsunami. At least 80, probably many more, are dead.
What do you think - meteorite or caldera, meteorite or caldera...
Is there some other possible disaster that I'm missing, one that might get Indonesia? Could Indonesia just sink into the ocean? Perhaps some sort of plague of killer locusts? I don't think anyone would, like, explode Indonesia. Not on purpose. Maybe a meltdown?
I have nothing against Indonesia. But - somebody obviously does. Why o why?
ps - I will be posting a weevil picture soon.
July 16, 2006
Welcome, and Goodbye
Dearest Weevils,
Thanks so much for stopping by! I'm so glad that the bulk bin Japonica rice I bought at Whole Foods was able to carry you my way. What have you all been up to these past few weeks? Me - not so much.
I did have some other guests, some Drosophila, but, thanks to my efforts, they are all sleeping quite soundly now. Forever and ever, amen. Thank god for vinegar and the internet! I was able to help them along through the construction of a special...sleeping house.
You Weevils are a much more adorable bunch. You exhibit some of my favorite insect qualities:
- Slow moving
Easy to spot
Non-biters of humans
Non-vectors of human disease
Easy to catch, or hold, or to keep an eye on. Or squish.
Friendly disposition
I must admit that, after seeing the first few of you, I became most distressed, fearing that you were some sort of tick - perhaps even the dreaded Deer Tick!
It was so kind of you to allow one of your party to be scotch taped, while I attempted to surmise how many legs you had, and which kind, and which kind of face and carapace you had going on. Since you cannot speak, you had no way to tell me your name, so it was off to the internet with me, me and your little scotch-taped friend.
While it's true that I was struck with a moderate case of formication (it hasn't completely left me, you know), I still managed to determine your ilk while perusing over nine hundred and fifty photographs of both insects and arachnids. It was your strange proboscis and markedly segmented legs that gave you away. Even so, I didn’t let myself believe it was you until I had seen enough of your close relatives to make a determination.
Thank heavens you are not mites, or ticks, or spiders!
It seems you’ve got quite a following online, although it also seems that children prefer your larger relations. Not much was said about holding or playing with rice weevils, or grain weevils. That’s part of the reason I’m writing this to you now – to let the worldwide web know of your gracious manner. Why – you didn’t utter a peep as I sprayed you with citrus bug spray, or when I rinsed you down the drain. You did not show any ill will or resentment, even after I had turned on the garbage disposal, and bagged and carried away your travelin’ rice.
It must be said that, while I am so very grateful for the time we have had together, I am also quite relieved that I was able to convince the majority of you to set sail for heaven/the dumpster downstairs. You see, I’m not used to entertaining, and after having those fruit flies over for the past week or so (they are exhausting house guests!), I am looking forward to spending some time taking my nite-time pills and eating some weevil-free Golden Grahams.
For the few of you who are left – please – I encourage you to stay in the grain cupboard. I’ve even cleared it all out for you – just a wide expanse of comfy, lead painted wood, sprayed down with - nay - saturated in orange extract oil.
What’s that you say? You do not like the orange extract oil? Is that why you’re climbing on the ceiling, and attempting to leave the kitchen?
Please, I beg of you, few remaining straggler Weevils - do not leave the kitchen. There are no grains for you in the living room, nor are there grains in the bathroom or bedroom. I do regret that I was not able to transport you to heaven/the dumpster downstairs with your friends, but I’ll do everything in my power to rectify the situation. Perhaps, while you’re still around, you can keep an eye out for other insects. There may yet be some Drosophila breezing around. And, since things tend to happen in sets of three, there may be a third party of insects on the way. Who knows – perhaps they’re already here, as larvae!
Please eat any larvae that you find. No other insect houseguests can compare with you my dear, sweet Weevils. Since there is no grain to be found, may I recommend…other insects?
You must forgive me - I shall take my leave of you for the evening. There’s a betta waiting patiently for his water change, and I think the snail might lay some eggs tonight.
Until we meet again, my sweet black friends.
Yours truly,
The girl who would like to kill every last one of you.
July 13, 2006
Where does it hurt?
Am I posting yet another "cool site?" Yes. Except, this one is super, super awesome. Listen - here is what this guy, who says he is a doctor in "Crack City, USA" says about stomachaches:
"...abdominal pain is my nemesis. I hate abdominal pain! I hate taking care of abdominal pain and I hate having abdominal pain myself. It is just plain misery. There are just too many damn things in the belly that can go wrong and cause pain. Perforated viscous, mesenteric ischemia, mesenteric adenitis, abdominal aortic aneurysm, acute cholecystitis, cholelithiasis/biliary colic, acalculous cholecystitis, emphysematous cholecystitis, pancreatitis, gallstone pancreatitis, hemorrhagic pancreatitis, acute hepatitis, liver abscess, liver lacerations, peptic ulcer disease, gastritis, GERD, splenic rupture, diverticulitis, colitis, inflamatory bowel disease, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, IBS, appendicitis, Meckel's diverticulum, ovarian cysts, ruptured ovarian cyst, tubo-ovarian abscess (TOA), ovarian torsion, ectopic pregnancy, endometriosis, PID, mittelschmerz, UTI, cystitis, urinary retention, prostatitis, gastroenteritis, diabetic ketoacidosis, acute narrow angle glaucoma (yes, glaucoma can present with abdominal pain), small bowel obstruction, ileus, Ogilvie syndrome, renal colic, pyelonephritis, volvulus, intussusception, strangulated or incarcerated hernias, prostatitis, all sorts of cancer...Hell the differential diagnosis of acute abdominal pain is ENDLESS!!!! Let us also not forget things in the chest that can cause abdominal pain like lower lobe pneumonias and pulmonary embolism, as well as acute myocardial infarctions.... Can you see why I loathe abdominal pain so much now????"
Wow. Check him out - fingersandtubes. Please keep the above-listed medical conditions in mind for the next time your stomach hurts.
Do I have anything to type all by myself?
No. Not so much these days.
It's...um...really hot out, isn't it?
Do you happen to have the time?
Everyone still loves pokeporno. Pokeporno totally beats worldsex and urolagnia. Sometimes, pokeporno is googled as pokeporno aura, or pokemon aura hentai. If someone is able to explain this, I would very much appreciate it.
What else? Not too much on the H5N1 front. I think that all of the countries are busy either a) lying and covering up, or b) not noticing human cases like, say, in Africa.
Indonesia has not yet been struck by a meteor or asteroid, nor has (have) its caldera (calderas) exploded. Really, what they've got going, according to this site - tobacaldera - is a gigantic caldera made out of, well, calderas. It doesn't get much more hard core than that.
I should stop typing phrases like hard core into my blog. I suppose pokeporno hentai doesn't help, either.
I know - what if a meteor crashed into Toba Calderaland, and splashed out all of that magma? Wouldn't that be exciting?
So...how about those...babies the stars are having?
Isn't gas expensive these days? I swear...
In conclusion, I am going to tell you what one of those stomach deal-e-os is. I have chosen - mittelschmerz.
It's nowhere near as exciting as the name would imply. It's the pain a woman has when her ovary fires off an egg, about halfway through her cycle. It can happen before, during, or after the egg-firing.
Wow! Back to eggs! Do you think that, given my chicken deal-e-o, I am the one who is a lover of eggs? It would seem so.
You know who else loves eggs? Sperm. Sperm love eggs. You know which animal has the largest sperm? Fruit fly. You know which animal has the largest egg? Ostrich. The ostrich egg is also the largest single cell in, like, the whole entire world. These days, anyway. And, you know who is the biggest bird on the planet right now? The incredible, edible ostrich.
A world of knowledge, courtesy of job-as-secretary-high-up-in-office-tower-of-major-motion-picture-studio.
p.s. - Anything is edible, if you try hard enough. Eggs really need to stop bragging about that.
p.p.s. - I lied. Worldsex pretty much beats everything. I just think pokeporno is more exciting. And, somedays it is the winner.
July 12, 2006
uro
Just another one of those "here is a cool web page" posts, one for all of those urolagnia seekers. I'm not sure how sexy you'll think it is or, excuse me, how sexxxy, but, since I don't find urine to be all that sexxxy, I can't really be the judge of it. You'll have to look for yourselves.
I must admit, I do wish urostream was a bit more on-topic as far as all things uro go. Can't have it all, urophiles.
I'll let you know if I find any interesting sites having to do with those of the ovipirous persuasion, where persuasion = reproductive method.
Heck, I will even start you out with the wiki link because maybe you're into sexxxy egg-laying but you just don't know it yet! Even if you don't find egg-laying to be terribly sexxxy, it's still terrribly interesting.
Wikipedia will tell you about how, in some ovoviviparous animals, the babies hatch inside the mommy, and then busy themselves with eating as many of their baby brothers and sisters as they can.
Sorry, pregnant ladies. I know you're probably extra sensitive to such ideas right now. I promise - your fetus will not eat his/her brother or sister should they happen to both be in your womb at one time. Your fetus (or you yourself) may absorb his/her sister, but that's a story for another day.
July 11, 2006
Are you old yet?
Here is a link to that ringtone that only children can hear, where children equals anyone < 25-30 years old.
If you can hear that, you are a children, or, your ears are those of a children still.
I can hear it, so I am most excited. If I could not hear it, this blog post would not exist, as I would be ashamed of my old, old ears.
As we age, we lose our ability to hear high-pitched sounds. First.
If you don't know the story of this whole ringtone deal, here it is: kids use the sound as their cell phone ringtone in school, since they can hear it but their aged teachers cannot.
I, like, heard about it on NPR.
ps - if you can't hear the noise, you're not really missing anything. It makes my ears feel like they are salivating, but not in a good way.
July 09, 2006
I've taken it off, but I haven't taken it all off.
I've run out of space here on the friendster blog once again, so I've removed yet another chunk of archives. You can find them, if you'd like, at Symptoms of a Girl.
This friendster blog is like the terminal bud of a plant. Or, the axial bud. Yes? Or a type of stem cell? Yes. A petri dish of blog stem cells that continue to produce new blog. Once fully mature, the blog cells go off to the big-blog cell site - www.symptomsofagirl.com. Sort of like why people can't live forever - there would be no room for the new people.
Does that mean that www.symptomsofagirl.com is heaven?
Yes. I wasn't going to tell anyone; I was going to keep heaven all to myself.
Update: I'm going to remove some of the google search terms, since I am still over 90% full here. If you want to see them, they're on...you know where. Even the sexxxy ones are there.
July 07, 2006
You're your own property and no one else's.
I don't know if the blog has ever mentioned this issue before, so the blog apologizes in advance if it is repeating itself.
I know that I am not the most perfectest grammerarian in town. Even so, there are two things I'd like to clear up, especially after seeing yet another google search for: "signs your having a baby girl."
Your is possessive, as in, "By now, your baby is the size of a jumbo prawn."
You're is the shortened version (contraction) of you are. So, the correct way to state the googler's search item would be: "Signs you're having a baby girl."
An easy way to check, if you're confused, is to plug in you are before using either you're or your. If you are works, then use you're.
All of this talk of contractions will be bringing more pregnant ladies my way. I hope they don't get into trouble, what with all of the poke porno lovers, the tina turner upskirts and the world sexxxy types.
I'd like to discuss one more grammar issue. It's about it's vs. its. This one is a little confusing since, to make something possessive, you add an apostrophe s, right? Like, "Susan's fetus loves to punch her bladder." With it's/its, it's a little different.
Once again, you can do a plug-in test, since it's is a contraction of it is. If it is works in your sentence, then use it's. If it doesn't, and you're talking about something belonging to the it, then use plain old its.
Here's an example of the plain old:
The fetus sucks its thumb.
Since "The fetus sucks it is thumb" does not work, you should use its.
There are many things I must learn about grammar, since I missed a lot of days in school when we worked through the major stuff. I'll keep you posted on anything exciting I should find.
One ongoing issue I have is the serial comma:
I'm bringing a board game, apples, and a handgun to the picnic.
This is the way I learned it in school. Since then, however, AP and some other kids have decided that you don't need that last comma, since and can go in its place.
Leaving out the last comma can make things confusing. Like - what if those last two things are really a pair or a set, and should go together? However will we know this, if the last comma is always left out?
Still, the majority of official types say that the comma should not be in there. I am quite torn. I go between the two. It's quite upsetting, like grammatical joint custody.
Is this a boring blog post? Have I already written about this? Maybe I'm thinking of the personals. I had a similar discussion on the personals, under the category of "What I'm looking for." Except there, I made my own subcategory called "What I'm not looking for," which included cool jazz and drum circles.
There are three major strikes which cause me to reject a personals profile. They are:
Using you're/your or it's/its incorrectly
Headshot(s)
The Sliver
I'll get to The Sliver blog post, I promise. You know how I like to keep my promises.
ps - if you have noticed or, at some future point in time, notice any chronic grammatical errors on my part, please please please tell me. Some of them I do on purpose, like please please please.
July 06, 2006
For the animal lovers
Once again, I like to keep my promises...
Posted by: Brian | July 7, 2006 12:09 PM