Hot Hot Hot Radula Action!!!

I like to keep my promises...

Also, here's some pics of the wounded snail.  He's going to be just fine.  His radula works and everything.

Yet another great old-timey flu link

Here you go - thank you, flu wikians!

The Influenza Epidemic of 1918

This is where my dad lives now:

Metropolis, IL

and

ocityofsuperman

He lives in a nursing and rehabilitation center.  It is not so super.  I mean, I haven't seen the place, so the facility itself might be super.  The situation itself is quite non-super.  Thesaurus.com says that the opposites of super include lousy, rotten, and small potatoes.

When I was driving away from seeing my dad in the hospital, I made a wrong turn and wound up at the giant Superman statue.

Of course I took pictures of myself with the giant Superman.

I had taken pictures there years ago, having stopped off to see my dad on a cross country trip.  He stood behind the cardboard cutout of Superman, and I stood behind the cutout of Supergirl.  Then, we traded places.

Did you know that both days - June 03 and June 06 - were as emotionally depressing as each other?

I have a theory.  With the upcoming release of the newest Superman movie, I feel it's important to share my theory with you:

A grown man who wears any sort of Superman paraphernalia has major issues.  There's something wrong with him.  Most likely, his self esteem is seriously deformed.  You might be blinded by that yellow shield and the big red S, but any man who allies himself with someone called "Superman" is messed up big time.

My friends and I have cross-checked the theory against many test subjects and thus far have found no anomalies.

Kids don't count.  Those who wear the full outfit also don't count, especially if they wear it to the office.

If you are a man and you think that you might like to wear a Superman t-shirt or baseball cap, don't worry - you don't count, not unless you are currently, actively wearing the logo.

I'll cut everyone some slack until this movie thing dies down.

My dad never wore Superman paraphernalia, aside from that cardboard cutout.  At least, there's that.

Inhale.

How long can a snail hold its breath?

Had a little accident, ala Chuck P's "Guts."

Well, not me.  It was that sexually aggressive snail. Serves him right.

*story spoiler - don't look if you haven't read it*

I'll insert some silly picture, for those who have not read "Guts."  Please scroll down quickly, to the next silly picture.

 

That's my hands saying, "Stop if you haven't read the story."

Okay, cool readers of Guts - you will appreciate this.

It was just like the guy in the story (or so I'd like to imagine), except it was the other way around.  Face first.  Totally gutted, whatever that would be for a snail, gutted in the face by the tank filter.  He is a maniac.  He took the filter apart somehow, and stuffed all his everything into the intake tube of the filter. I don't know how far, and I don't know for how long.  I came home from work, saw that the water wasn't running through the system, saw him there, and ripped him out.

Since he was stuck face first, he was not able to chew/radula rasp himself off of the filter.  There really isn't any other way for a snail to be stuck.  Not the soft parts.

Maybe he did it because he was lonely, not being successful in his sexual assaults upon the other snail.  Maybe it felt good, that filter, and he just wanted to get closer to that good feeling.

I dunno.

Say, does anyone feel like passing out?  If only...

The answer to how long can a snail hold its breath, if we're talking underwater, is:  it doesn't really apply to apple snails.  Apple snails have both gills and lungs, so they can breathe either way.  But, if the filter tore open his mantle and collapsed it, then he'd slowly suffocate over the next few weeks.  Kind of the opposite of holding your breath.

Mantle collapse is a one-two punch, collapsing both the lungs and drastically reducing gill function, since the mantle encloses them both.  If you'd like more details, please see this Applesnail.net link:

Scroll down to body and tissue related problems, please.

If his mantle is, in fact, collapsed, applesnail.net says "A good way to kill an apple snail is by putting it in the refrigerator."  I seem to recall reading something, once, about freezing then placing in plastic bag then hammering a sick/dying snail.

I swear, I read that. 

I don't think I read it on applesnail.net.

To quote applesnail.net, "Hopefully, you will never have to undertake such an unpleasant action."

I don't have another silly picture with me, at work, to let the non-Guts-reading people know it's safe.  I can't scan my face because my cube doesn't have a door.  I don't think the others would like it, if they saw me scanning my face.  They might give me more work.  At the very least, they might be jealous.

Those non-Guts-reading people will have to keep going and going.  Serves them right.

Everyone - read "Guts."  Do it for the snail.

p.s. - He's crooked, a bit of him half in half out of his shell, but he's not dead.  I think he's going to make it just fine.  I do not know if there will be any gastrointestinal ramifications at this point.

p.p.s.  I know, I know, I should have turned off the filter instead of ripping him out.  It just did not occur to me.  I will keep it in mind, should I ever see such a horror show again.

p.p.p.s./late night update:  Snail is back to normal, flying around the tank, his foot spread and rippling through the water like a sheet, his tentacles fully extended, two inches long.  I'm guessing there won't be any GI ramifications.  I hope he is able to get the female to cooperate, so I can have 500 baby uber-apple snails.  If you're interested, I've got a waiting list, starting right this very moment.  Hurry!  Be the first and get your pick of the clutch!

p.p.p.p.s. Here's the silly picture for all of those non-Guts-readers:

It's my sinuses!  Aren't they pretty?  Now - go out and buy Chuck's book Haunted, or find an old copy of Playboy, and read Guts right away!

UPDATE:  The back end of the snail's foot was almost torn off by the filter.  I can see it now that he's roaming around on the glass.  He also has some other, minor foot tears, but he's eating, and his face looks great.  I won't be hammering him anytime soon.

Attention America!

Effective as of today, I am officially auditioning cities across America to be my New American Home City!

You see...well, how can I put this?  Cover your ears, LA.  I am very bored here.  Everything seems meaningless. For example, I have yet another job in yet another tower, owned by yet another major motion picture studio, where I generate still more legal correspondence, this time re home entertainment products.

So listen up, cities of America - now is your chance to show me what you've got.  Our judges (i.e., I) will be traveling the country, starting with our great state of California.

If you are a city with that special something, that as of yet untapped star power - if you think you've got what it takes, then you might get a chance to be my New American Home City!

Please note:  Although I have many friends in the Midwestland region, you will not be considered for this competition unless a) I am offered a free ride to a university, one I would very much like to attend; b) I develop a terrible, debilitating disease (Universe, please note - this isn't a request); or c) I get knocked up with no baby daddy, have no dollars to feed the offspring of myself and beforementioned baby daddy ("Baby"), and the maternal grandmother of Baby is able to support Baby and that same Baby's mother (i.e., me). (Universe - please see note in item b) ).

If you happen to be in Nebraska, or anywhere else sick like that, you're going to have to give me everything you've got, plus a whole lot more, because from what I've seen so far, you do not have what it takes to be my New American Home City!.  Vegas, and most of the desert lands - I'm allergic to you, so you, too, will also have to go that extra mile to land a spot among the finalists.

Things I'm looking for:

• Access to a major body of water, particularly coastal areas
• Liberal political environment
• Precipitation
• Good food
• Distribution of the life aspirations within the population.  The opposite of this would be, say, a place where over 50% of the inhabitants want to "make it" in a single industry, a place where many will settle for being able to tie the shoes of someone who is involved in said industry.
• Street fairs, parades, block parties, etc.
• A strong literary community.
• Universities with post-bacc/graduate programs strong in the sciences and/or those with excellent creative writing MFA programs.
• A city inhabited by persons who will, like, invite other persons to join in festivities celebrating various holidays, or just seasons in general.  A place with friendly gatherings vs. a place where the social structure is made up of barely overlapping, concentric layers of tight-lipped social cliques.
• Tall buildings where inhabitants walk around, without having to feel like social pariahs.  Extra points to cities where the inhabitants actually enjoy walking around their city and socialize out of doors, as well as cities where using the city's public transportation does not carry any sort of social stigma.
• Pretty hills and/or mountains
• Access to excellent medical care
• A place where smart people grow and live

So far, the West Coast has a head start on the rest of the nation.

If this year's competition goes well, or if it goes very poorly, get ready Europe, because there's a chance for Season Two - My New European Home City!

Stay tuned.

To the llama lovers, part II

I will be visiting the llamas again, soon.  I will take new pictures for you.

Have I learned anything exciting this week?  Let me think.

Snails are sometimes sexually assaulted by other snails.  I've seen this first hand, in my new snail tank.  She got away, though.

What else?  A whole week - I must have learned something.

Indonesia's got a big caldera.  That's redundant, huh?  "Big caldera."  Indonesia has a caldera.  At least one.

Reptiles sneeze.  They sneeze out "snalt," which is salt plus snot.

One gets pretty bruised up while constructing IKEA furniture.

If you lock your keys in your car after you've gotten into a car accident, and the police are there, they will call someone to come and get your door open.  They will stand in the sun with you, waiting for the tow truck man to come and open your door.  They only have other traffic things to get to, so they don't mind standing in the sun with a lady, on a sunny morning, even if you are crying all over the place.

If you are swinging in a sand pit, you should put on some sunscreen.

Wellbutrin SR works way better than Wellbutrin XL.

I promise to make a good post soon.  I promise extra hard, with pictures on top.

Any requests?

I leave you with some images of the new snails:

Sweet snails

The oversexed snail who bites the others, and also does some other things to the large female in the picture above:

Effect Measure and Measles and Mups

I should just put a forever banner on my blog that says:

Please go read Effect Measure, right now, because it is super awesome.

Instead, since I am lazy, I'm just going to suggest you read the story at the following link:

Measles and Mumps - World Cup Action

Did you know that measles and mumps are spreading around like crazy these days?  Even in AMERICA.  Check it - the most recent MMWR says Mumps and Measles are the worst of the notifiable diseases reported in the recent report.  Both are beyond historical limits, whatever that means.  It sounds exciting, no?

4 weeks ending June 3, 2006

Mumps can get your gonads.

Spooky Old-Timey Flu Newspapers & Hot Hot Hot Radula Action

If you are into spooky old-timey flu newspaper articles, check this link:

spookyoldtimeyflunewspaperarticles.

b o o.

I intend to record my new snail using his/her radula soon.  It is pretty sick.  It's like one of those worms from Dune, or those sand worms in Return of the Jedi.  Sort of.

To prepare, please read this Wikipedia article on radulas:

radwikiula.

If you can't wait to get a glimpse of some apple snail radulas, please click the links listed below.  Thank you, applesnail.net.  You are, like, my best friend.  For these next three minutes.

radulapage

pic 1 - hot!

so many radula parts, so little time.

ps - radula = rasp-like tongue.  But it's so much more.  Take a look - I promise, you will be happy you did.  Or, your nightmares will thank me. 

Say - are there any radulaphiles?  I for sure will let everyone know if that comes up from a googler.

My skeleton wants to say hello. Again.

Here it is:

Also, the death of bluefish:

Also, the death of bluefish:

 

A link for chicken-lovers

This lady is better with the birds than I am.  Check it out, zoophiles!

makingout

The Grim Reaper took the blue betta fish.

That is all for now.

Comments

[Matt]

I like your sinuses. They look like a black butterfly climbing out of a chrysalis, or maybe a morel mushroom.

[Brian]

Well, if I didn't have a new business here, I would probably be looking for a new american city as well, but don't tell Chicago I said that, because I love it. I think you should at least consider Chicago simply because (I don't think) you've ever lived here as an (now, pronounce the 'a' not as a schwe, but a short 'a') adult. You'll find it has everything in your list except for the hills/mountains thing.
But that's what vacations are for.

[Leigh]

You know, Seattle sounds like its right up your alley. You should write to Susi about it's finer points, but I loved the Pacific Northwest while I was there.
I also concur on the LA issues.

[Matt]

I'm in complete agreement, with your criteria, and you hit the nail on the head as to why LA is a tragedy in slow motion. Portland meets all your requirements, plus there's that convenient access to Chuck P. and it's newly filled with New Orleans musicians.
 

[Brian]

 

Comments

Cool. For the longest time I had trouble making comments. Perhaps now I will make them all the time.

Your information about locking your keys made me laugh out loud. I know the situation made the person in question cry (I kind of assume it was you, but it could've been about someone else, right?), but it made me laugh all the same. Perhaps the crying made them want to stay out of guilt? Crying makes people feel guilty. That's why children do it. Do reptiles cry? Snails?

[Lorna]

Apparently measles have been going around like madcakes at the Christian Science Churches.

I guess it's probably fair that people who choose not to recognize science don't benefit from science, but still it bugs me. Like, people? This is why we still have stuff like the measles at all.

http://www.gawker.com/news/christian-science-monitor/christian-science-monitor-staff-threatened-by-measles-182021.php

loved those scary old flu articles, great find.